It has been a year and I figured that I'd update everyone that reads my blogs. Thanks to all those lovely folks who asked how I was doing periodically! I know some of you were curious why I took a year off. My last two articles weren't exactly a walk in the park to write and I genuinely sought counsel after each article. To most of you the blog posts were just another article that y'all read and continued your day after. For me however, the articles were years of denial, regrets and insecurities and prior to posting each article I had been working on them for about a year if not more. I was in need of a release of negative energy and good God am I grateful for having gotten it! I mean that was the whole point. I started my journey seeking genuine change and better life quality and so once I took my first steps, I took a year off purposely to give myself some time and allowed myself to really be present to all the great changes I had made. I had been stressing so much the last 15 or so years in my life I figured I owed myself a break to get to know the old me that I had stuffed into my pillow for so long. I decided to take time off from work and school and just discover myself and with the help of my spouse and family I was able to make it happen. I feel like it doesn't settle well with people when I say that I am just home, being home. It feels so good being able to just simply be without caring much for people who are trying to define what you are and sticking you into some pre-configured mould. I did that once, won't ever let that happen to myself again. Plus, isn't that what savings are for lol?
I spent a lot of my life hiding my face, feelings and silent cries for help into the pillow at night because I felt unworthy, ugly and with a heart filled with shame. I remember feeling the burden of preserving everyone else's honor on my tiny shoulders. When I wasn't in the state of healing I remember whenever I would receive any compliment it would fall on deaf ears because I didn't believe it from within. I would always think to myself 'If they knew what happened to me, what I am hiding, they wouldn't like me ' or 'they are only saying this because they don't know my ugly past' or 'I wish it were true!' I was so sure that people only loved or liked me because in their eyes, there was nothing wrong with me. But inside, I felt used. Like someone's cheap toy that they used and forgot about and that unsettling feeling ruined any compliment I ever received... and so I didn't believe them, none of them....
Not even my parents. That was the one that hurt the most. I felt so ashamed that I had let them down. If there was a night that mom was mad at me, even over something small, I would just curse at myself and wonder 'what else is wrong with me? Why am I even alive?" and all the negative feelings would come rushing back and I would just cry. I became really sensitive to any and all criticism and feared making mistakes. At my worst nights, I was suicidal. I would always imagine my male cousins rushing to my aide and just forming a shield with their bodies huddled around me. Those nights, I asked for death, shamelessly because it was easier to picture my death than letting my parents down with the truth of my impurity. Or the immense sadness I felt knowing that my brothers were less than a phone call away but they could never know because my family would scatter and I didn't want to disappoint anyone else. Inside I knew, I wasn't the perfect daughter that they thought I was and it killed me. Now mom is gone and there are so many things unsaid, yet somehow it's for the better.
In 2016, my blogs opened the floodgates to validation and soon thanks to a lot of help I started validating from within. Now when someone I love/like/know gives me a compliment I don't question it. I politely take it, thank them and thank the Lord that I made it to this point. Most importantly I compliment myself, reminding myself that I am loved, by myself. I don't wait for someone to tell me how great I am at something or how nice I look. It took me a while to understand that I was enough. I am enough. And I will always be enough. I don't need to go out of my way to show someone how great I am. I don't need to change myself to please people and I most certainly do not have to abide by or get defined by peoples' fickle ideas of me. Acceptance starts from within.
Sadly, with support came some very very misplaced backlash from an individual I considered close family and whom I thought considered me a sister. I soon learned that for them it was better that I cringe in silence and solitude than bring up a past that was inconvenient for them and they deemed it fit to question my character. After counter accusations and more, it got so ridiculous; becoming clear that they were willing to do anything and everything to deflect the issue. Somehow, in her head, it made more sense to pick up the phone and attack me rather than questioning the accused- her brother, who couldn't be troubled with this "petty" issue. After that call, I was so vulnerable and hurt that I decided that I wouldn't speak to anyone. However, with so many other relatives reaching out after they heard about this conversation and my articles, my anger for this person transformed into pity. My family had shown up, and clearly this individual didn't make the cut.
My spouse said something once and it really stuck with me, "how people choose to react is not on you. If anything, it says a lot more about them." He was right, it took a while to sink in but in the end I was better for it. In fact, one great thing that came as a result of my article was the self-exam that it made the reader go through; everyone who read it had choices to make, and the reaction was telling
what measure of a person they truly are. This is regardless of whether they agree with my method of speaking up or not. Personally, I think what my articles did (and the stories of countless other women who came forward in recent news) was have people evaluate the relationships in their lives through the specific lens of principle. The ladies who were willing to open up and share their personal experiences and quell my long held fears of denial and neglect also longed to be validated by their loved ones. I know for a fact that women watched as husbands, sons, brothers, fathers and uncles etc. reacted to my articles. Many of them holding their breath because this was the moment to know if they had a chance to eventually open up about what happen to them. Many of them scared because of people like the individual I mentioned before. It got everyone to ask the serious questions, "what if this was my daughter/sister/wife/mother/niece?" "Am I in a safe and loving environment?" "Do I really know the men in my life?"
At this point, I have taken out almost all the toxic relationships from my life and as a result of this really courageous task, I have had the most peaceful year of my life. Thoughts that really affected me through my years of silence were filled with the 'what if's' and 'what then's' that popped into my head leading me to never really trust the people around me. There is a saying I recently came to know and learned to live by, "when people show you who they are, believe them." Often, we overlook flaws that are really unsettling because the individual in question is someone we love and genuinely care for. In my opinion, sometimes we deliberately ignore all the red flags because we are scared that our gut feeling about our loved one is true. We rather our close circle be filled with superficial relationships and thanks to the fear of losing them we seldom rock the boat with the truth. In my humble opinion, I think there is something fundamentally wrong with that...and trust me it took me a while to get to this understanding. I feel if only we knew what a great release and relief it brings to really test the waters, to really know exactly who it is that we have to fall back on, or to catch us when we fall, we would never be afraid again. I feel that you are your own protector, but even you need a break and so isn't it better to know exactly who it is defending and protecting you when you are vulnerable? Will they even be there? And what is their being there dependent upon? Really ask yourself, and do yourself a huge favor and ask them as well. You don't want to burden someone who wasn't already in it, or worse, someone who you really don't want there to begin with. If you are so afraid to lose someone you love that you'd rather lie to them about who you are...do you really think you have them?
I eventually had to go through this painful lesson and honestly it has been so rewarding. I don't know how I ever lived without it. As a result of swallowing that bitter-ass pill, my close circle now only consists of genuine and organic relations filled with people whose principles don't change with the hour. Also, I don't have to hide who I am, which feels exhilarating. Granted this circle is a lot smaller than the one before lol but quality beats quantity any day. I knew what I brought to the table so I wasn't afraid to eat alone.
Before I end this blog, I wanted to mention one more thing. I use to read a lot and recently I have started to devote time to that hobby again. Thus far in my journey, rediscovering reading has been cathartic in so many ways. One particular book I would like to mention became an essential tool in my healing process. I found this book to be a really hard read. I still haven't finished it because it really digs in deep and asks you to visit dark memories. It dives deep into sexual trauma, emotional blocks, PTSD related to childhood sexual abuse and many more very important topics. I thank my husband every single day for picking this up for me. This book is a must read for anyone that has experienced sexual trauma and/or has a loved one who needs to heal. It's called The Courage to Heal- A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Don't just take my word for it, read for yourself and thank me later hehe. I am attaching the link to Ellen Bass's website below.
For now, this is all the update I have for y'all. Thank you for all your love and support. Expect many more posts from now on😁! Also, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
-Neelum
http://www.ellenbass.com/books/the-courage-to-heal/
No comments:
Post a Comment